Parenting
It may seem an obvious fact, but being an effective parent requires one to first be a healthy individual. If like many of us, you weren't flawlessly self aware when you became aware of the happy event, don't despair! You can recover and which process can translate into you becoming an amazing parent. The following is a list of practical steps designed to help you begin to create the space to become the parent you would like to be:
1. Take care of you. If you've ever flown, you may recall your flight attendant admonishing you "in the event that we loose cabin pressure..." to mask up prior to attempting to help anyone else; because you know, it's very difficult to help someone else when you cannot breath! That same principle holds true in any relationship, and is especially necessary in potentially stressful relationships including the parenting relationship. If you are off balance emotionally, it may be difficult to effectively interact with your kids, at least while maintaining a degree of comfort, for you and/or your child.
Taking care of you requires self-awareness and commitment to finding solutions to your legitimate human needs. If you're tired, for example, rest. If you're hungry, eat. If you need support - which many times new parents do - look for support. Assess and continue to look for solutions to whatever problem is facing you in the moment; which is basically practicing mindfulness. If there is an emergency situation, don't worry. Your parasympathetic nervous system will kick in and your priorities will shift and the pressing need will be handling the crisis in front of you.
2. Communicate with your kids. Your kids are little people with a unique purpose, mind, and ability and they will determine how things will operate in their lives and which priorities are and will be important to them. You will be able to influence these priorities through setting examples and communicating your values. When you come to a crossroads, listen to them. Listening will help you ascertain the difficulty and collaborate on a solution that works for each of you. You can find additional information on collaborative parenting through consulting Dr Ross Greene's book Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child (2016).
Don't forget Step 1 above. It will be very difficult for you to focus on listening to a resistant child when you have an unmet emotional need.
3. Expect difficulty. If you are just beginning to learn and apply a different parenting style, or if you are a new parent, you will probably fumble the ball now and again. Go easy on yourself. Kids are resilient and forgiving and under normal circumstances you will have time to address faux pas and correct these discrepancies with your kids. Don't be afraid to say you were wrong. If, however, you are in a volatile situation and having a difficult time managing your stress/anxiety/negative emotions, etc. and things have escalated, please look for and work with a mental health care professional. You are a human being and as is the case with all humans, are prone to making mistakes. Working with a therapist, one with whom you are able to trust and develop a strong therapeutic alliance with, can prove to be an invaluable tool. You and your children deserve and are worth it!
